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Thursday, April 6th, 2006
5:47 pm
I think I may start updating this again , now that I have a new man to vent about.

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Sunday, September 19th, 2004
9:17 am
We're leaving for Pa in an hour bitches! I'll be there by 6 or 7 to hump you ALL!

I found my dead journal from 2002, HAHA!Collapse )

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Saturday, June 19th, 2004
3:08 am
So I went to Jacobs tonight and Carley was there. I dont know why I feel the need to be so extra nice to her, so extra social. It's like I feel bad for being so pissed at her. For being pissed that my boyfriend wants to fuck her more than he wants to fuck me.

Maybes it the achohol or the drugs, but I'm angry. I'm more angry than I feel I've ever been. I HATE that I have to be wary of girls online flirting with Zach (or vice versa), I hate that I have to keep Zach from hanging out with Carley. She's such a nice girl, but I don't trust them together.

Why did I read his aim log? Why did I subject myself to that? In a way, I'm glad to see where I stand, how he feels towards other women and things that he would never say to me, but says to everyone else. But in another, reading his posts gave me a view of Zach that I had never seen. The real Zach, the person he was with his friends with other girls, the exact opposite of who I thought he was.

I don't know where I stand with him, and I think that's what kills me the most. I knew where we were when I lived in Pa. For some reason, I just KNEW that he was being faithful, that he loved me above everything else. But being here, seeing him with his friends, noticing the huge difference between who he is and who he was, is so depressing.

Anyways, the main reason I posted this, is that I really wish I could be friends with Carley. But I just fucking can't. I feel inadequete next to her. I feel huge and ugly. I look at her face and her body and see the subtle things that make her hotter than me. I see every little thing that is wrong with me and right about her. And I always, always, whether I see her, whether I'm at work, if I'm at home, or in the car, think about those 2 sentences in Zach's aim log. Those seven words that showed he lied so I'd back off, so he could hang out with her. It's silly how so little can break my heart so much, but I can't stop it. I wish I could, but I can't.

Is she hotter than your girlfriend?

current mood: depressed

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Saturday, May 8th, 2004
I carried on an affair for 2 years with a married man while I was living with my exboyfriend... and so many times I wanted to say something to his smirking wife - how much she didn't know - but I never had the balls. lessordinary

-- This woman is just a bitch. Seriously. How can you do that and not realize how fucked up you are?

I live in the real world.
I know some of you live in the crazy fantasy world where, after dating the same woman for 11 years your still going at it 3 times a night, but here in the real world what happens is you go at it like rabbits for the first few years, and then slowly you find your doing it only 4 or 5 times a week, then its three, then two, then sex becomes something that happens on a Sunday morning before you go to the garden centre if it isn't craft day on QVC and you can actually be arsed.

Luckily, even though I live in this real world, I'm not prepared to settle for any of that Bullshit.
What do I do ?
I cheat.

-- Why are you in a relationship with this woman if she isn't satisfying you? Dump her. If it's only in a "fantasy world" that people live entire lives together without cheating, then are my parents and Zach's parents fantasy people? This shit makes me ill.

I need to write a book on this shit or something. I need some way to vent out my anger towards these people.

current mood: angry

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12:11 am - everytime i hear her name or her name or her name or her name or her name or
He felt his smile slide away, melt, fold over and down on itself like a tallow skin, like the stuff of a fantastic candle burning too long and now collapsing and now blown out. Darkness. He was not happy. He was not happy. He said these words to himself. He recognized this as the true state of affairs. He wore his happiness like a mask and the girl had run off across the lawn with the mask and there was no way of going to knock on her door and ask for it back.

Ray Bradbury: Fahrenheit 451

current mood: pessimistic

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Thursday, May 6th, 2004
11:41 am
Other than a few things this week has been amazing. I've also been thinking a lot about Ohio, Pa, Zach... I dunno, it's a tough decision to make because some days, I love it out here and some days I hate it more than anything. And everything is wonderful with Zach, he DID just get me a kitten. I just wish that he would sometimes tell me whats on his mind. I could tell he was thinking about something yesterday and just didn't want to tell me. It hurts me a lot when he doesn't just come straight out with what he thinks and feels.

So yea, I'm still just caught in the middle. I don't want to stay here, but theres no way I'm doing the long distance thing again either.

current mood: depressed

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Thursday, February 26th, 2004
11:27 am
Zach, I'm not writing this in here to piss you off, I'm writing it to vent my feelings because I have no one else to talk to

I told Zach, when he started using my computer, that I don't like people being on my computer often, it worries and frustrates me. But, he didn't have a computer so I agreed to it anyway and said "Don't d/l anything" and "Don't put porn on my computer". I already had low hard drive space, I didn't need it getting worse. He did download music, but good music, so I just let it go, it wasn't as big a deal to me as I thought it would be.

Today though, I was going to upload his pictures, but first I wanted to edit some of my bitmaps to jpegs to save space so I added all picture files in my documents to my picture editer. How surprised was I to see pictures of some girl he fucked like a month before he met me. I'm not pissed that he has that E! girl naked or that he has Suicide Girl pictures. I'm pissed that he had the audacity to download naked pictures of a girl he's slept with and who is thin and hot onto my goddamn computer. If he wants them on his, good for him, but this is MY fucking computer. I don't need to be looking around on my computer, only to find naked pictures of girls he has sex with or girls he meets on the internet. Not only does it make me feel bad about how I look and whether he thinks I'm as good as these girls, but it makes angry at how disrespectful it is. How would he feel if I put naked pictures of guys I used to fuck on his computer? It's just wrong and I don't see how he didn't realize that.

I can honestly say I have never ever been this pissed at him. I don't think I've ever been pissed at him at all. I just don't know what to do. As much satisfaction as deleting the files gave me, it's not going to make me feel any better about him.

current mood: infuriated

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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
2:36 am - Duncan
I hung out with Duncan tonight and I would write about it in my normal lj, but he reads that and I don't want to weird him out. He met up with us at Round the Clock and he looked totally great. We talked about the last time we hung out, when we watched Lifetime and played Pong and he played me some Jimmy Eat World songs on guitar and we kissed. I hadn't realized it had been two years since then. I haven't really seen him much at all in that time and it was so strange seeing him again, sitting and talking to him.

He was telling me about how he was going to school in Fresno, Ca now. And the school he's going to sounds perfect for him. It's a christian school and its based soley on careers in ministry. He's hoping to complete the two years and be a youth minister. At his school, members of the opposite sex can't be alone in the same room, there has to be someone else there and they can't have jobs or watch movies or listen to music or anything that would get in the way of them totally focusing on God. I think it's awesome that he's devoting himself to God like that. I totally envy Duncan. I could never leave everything and everyone that is important to me to go to a school like that, but part of me wants too.

I can't wait to hang out with him more in the next two weeks. I look up to him so much.

current mood: happy

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Sunday, December 14th, 2003
4:15 pm
doing nothing more than smoking and staring at each others skin altered by the changing colors of a television screen. watching your back as you walked too slowly away, rubbing your eyes. this missing is worse than anything i have ever felt, but i would have it no other way. so i stare at black and white pictures tacked to aging drywall and listen to your voice as we talk for hours about how we love each other enough to become domestic and trapped. how lovely to be trapped with you. when you miss me think of matching black marks and how i'm dying for you. i never thought anything could be any better, but i'm so glad you're not just an empty fuck. i never realized i could need anything more than a one night stand. i hate what i've become and said i'd never do this, but wouldn't go back for the world, darling.

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Monday, December 1st, 2003
9:43 pm
December 1, 2003 Leo Horoscope:

You may run into a bit of internal conflict today, Molly, as one side of you is asking that you expand and reach outwards with your words, while another part of you is calling for you to be more grounded and receptive. One is an outer-directed energy while the other wants you to turn inward. Try to take the best aspects of both these energies and make them work for you.

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Sunday, November 16th, 2003
11:07 pm - well i caught you honey, like the clap sugar. what do you think of that?

The Ghost With the Most
we held down miles of my own vomit
just to get my rocket in the pocket of every pretty lady in town.
(maybe no one hugged me enough as a child,
or maybe some one did too much)

complain to the scissors, bite the skirt sleeve.
let's see the look on your face when i make it work.
if every woman was a continent, i would be napoleon.
yeah your body's the sea for me to navigate.
i want to be the superb qualities to your three pronged fingertips.
i'll be the ashtray to love's unfiltered cigarettes,
like the k-9 nose to your crotch.
i want to watch you undress through the keyhole.
you make me cum like never before.

blah blah blah blah.

Nurse, Would You Please Prep the Patient For the Sexual Doctor
five hundred milligrams of love has be in disarray
(the room whitens to the voice of panicked doctors)

get this man to the o.r.

stat: unconscious time lapse:
(the shades rise, call button by body side)

in the recovery room i wrote a list
of all the ways that you're beautiful.
it goes on and on and on and on and on
and on and on and on and on and on and on.


I Slept With The Daughters And All I Got Was This Lousy Song Written About Me
A Room Full Of Hard-Ons And Nowhere To Sit Down
Damn Those Bloodsuckers And Their Good Qualities
My Stereo Has Mono and So Does My Girlfriend
Pants, Meet Shit

current mood: enthralled

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Thursday, October 16th, 2003
10:52 pm
this lj is friend's only. i need a place to let out certain feelings that i dont necessarily want others to read.

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